Better Connecticut

This morning Elsa drove over from her house to take Grammy and me to be in the audience of Better Connecticut. This is a show that airs for an hour-long at 3pm on CBS every weekday, and follows similar formats to the Today Show or Good Morning America, except it features all CT owned things. It features two local celebrities as the hosts, and one is Scott Haney. Scott is a flamboyant, middle aged, gay man who is very dramatic and Grammy finds him really funny, (which he is).

We kept reminding Grammy yesterday that we had this on the docket. She doesn't do a very good job of remembering what she is told, and often she will accuse you of not telling her or warning her of anything, but quite often we do. When we told her yesterday that we'd be going to be in the audience for the show, she couldn't quite pin down what the show was (even though we watch it pretty regularly), and she sort of understood that Elsa was coming to take us somewhere, but since I didn't know where it was, she just kept on asking if Elsa was coming and knew where to take us.

Apparently all last night she had nightmares about Sol and I taking her to NYC and putting her in a skyscraper. She had a poor night's sleep and woke up in full anxiety. Sue came over before I got up to make sure Grammy was ready for Elsa and when I got downstairs, she filled me in on Grammy's concerns. Luckily, we gave Grammy one of her old anxiety pills (which was the plan all along) and let her walk around outside before Elsa came. Once Elsa came, Grammy was already visibly more calm, and when she was extra assured that we weren't going to NYC, she started to realize that it was just in her mind.

The three of us left Sue to her work, and Sol still in bed, and drove over to the CBS studios in Rocky Hill. Grammy couldn't believe 'how far away' the studios were from Hartford, or from where she knew the anchors lived. She commented on this the entire day. Elsa managed to park in a handicapped spot (Grammy has a tag) in the wrong parking lot (it was definitely misleading). So we got to walk through the office space for the CBS news to get to the studio. There were only two seats next to each other free in the second row, so I let Elsa and Grammy take those, and I sat in the middle of the front row.

It was a good show to watch. They filmed for about an hour and had stuff about style, cooking, music and news. It was a surprisingly full audience that day, with a variety of sexes and ages. Grammy definitely seemed to enjoy it, and I did too. We even got some maple chocolate chip cookies out of the deal. Later on in the day we all watched it as it aired on tv at 3pm, and Grammy couldn't understand that we had seen it at 10am and it was just being aired on tv later. But it didn't seem to bother her too too much.

She started to have more panic attacks in the afternoon. She took a walk for fresh air, but I also gave her a pill at 4pm. I think it helped, but she never quite got over the stress of it all. Elena called this evening and I could hear Grammy explaining how she is frustrated with how she is feeling (the anxiety, the boredom, the forgetfulness). As I've said before, Grammy often feels like this, but it's not constant. Every once in a while she'll get stuck in a rut about it, like this afternoon and evening. I think the excitement of the morning was enough for a full day for her, so she was worn out this afternoon. She also had the bad sleep last night. She's cleaning the kitchen (even though we have a new dishwasher) in order to keep her up past 7pm. She just wants to go upstairs and lay down with the cat, but we don't want her to be up all night or way early in the morning.

Tomorrow Sol and I leave for New York, and he will leave me there on Saturday and I fly to Israel for three weeks on Sunday. It's quite a trip, and I feel bad for the time that Grammy might have to stay alone while I'm gone. Of course Sue is around and Elsa, Laura and (maybe) Elena will be around, but there will definitely be hours when she's just by herself. I'll also miss Sol a lot on this vacation. Maybe this seems obvious, but the past recent years when I'd leave for extended trips it wasn't so bad. I think it'll be hard because we've been used to spending so much time together.

Grammy quotes:

"...her husband...boyfriend... I don't know what he is. He's very nice... her best friend." Grammy talking to Elena on the phone trying to reference Sol. I think she did a great job. Then she said "I would hope he'd like to do more things than what we do" about him. She's certainly right, but he's been immensely patient and positive in the face of a horrible jobs economy. Luckily, he'll be able to go up to Maine while I'm gone and do some landscaping with one of his friends (and earn some money)!

Photos:

Grammy and Elsa in front of the CBS building in Rocky Hill, entering through the wrong door on our way into the Better Connecticut studio.

Grammy and Elsa on the end of the second row in the audience of Better Connecticut. The woman in the red was on the show making chocolate mousse with avocados.

The set of Better Connecticut from my vantage point in the front row.

Rough Morning

Grammy had a rough morning.

I went down to the basement to put in some laundry and by the time I came back up, she was outside in her coat and with her cane going for a walk. She came back in at one point and said she needed to leave because she felt like she couldn't breathe in the house. She asked for a anxiety pill (which she doesn't get in the morning pills anymore as she's transitioning onto the zoloft), so I gave it to her. Then she went out for a walk up and down the street for nearly another hour. She managed to run into her friend Mary, who lives a couple of houses down while she was outside raking in her front lawn. She talks about Mary whenever we walk by her house, and yesterday on our walk she told me that she likes Mary because "she's a good catholic."

The rough morning gave way to a fine afternoon. After walking around outside for a while this morning, Grammy took a break and then decided to go out and rake some leaves. It was actually quite warm today (in the mid 50's), so the raking was just a good excuse to be outside enjoying the weather. So much physical exertion made her tired and put out her knees, though, so she spent the afternoon inside. She enjoyed (I'm serious) folding out laundry today. She aided in preparing dinner by crushing garlic and cutting up broccoli and kale. She managed to finish off a chocolate cake with oreo frosting with her bare fingers.

Tonight she took a shower under the guidance of Sue. She knows that tomorrow we will be going with Elsa to be in the Better Connecticut audience. Today we watched the show to get ourselves ready and Grammy noticed that 'she shouldn't care if she washes her hair because no one will see her,' but I noticed that when they span the audience, the mean age looks to be about 60, and the mean chromosomal count is XX. Should be interesting! More to come on that tomorrow.

In general, when I came back from Madison Sue was recounting everything that happened while I was gone. She ended by saying that it's getting worse every day. I think that she's right, but Grammy is still doing relatively alright in spite of things deteriorating. She is very aware that she's losing the faculties of her mind. She knows that she has anxiety attacks and she is pretty good about trying to deal with them on her own and with medicine. She still remembers who is family, even if she can't place the name. She still totally appreciates having people around and what we do for her. I think that above all, she doesn't want to be alone.

Every now and then she will have moments that are depressing. For example today she sat down around 1pm in her chair in the living room to rest a bit and watch tv and lamented about how everyday it's the same thing, and it's the same television, and nothing is interesting, but she can't do anything else. She's right, daytime tv seems almost insulting with how formulaic and repetitive it is. I suppose they don't expect the same people to be watching all day, every day.

But the depressing moments are temporary, so there is solace in that even if they are bound to return. I can tell that it will be very difficult for me to leave and not be able to help out for decent amounts of time anymore, but such is life. I hope that I at least manage to call her every once in a while. She's not very into talking on the phone, but she's ok with it in certain situations.

Let's see...

Let's see...

I arrived home to CT at about 9:30pm last night from Madison, WI. I spent the long weekend there as a prospective grad students at UW Madison. My mom visited with me, and we checked out the area through Monday. It was a good trip, even if it was cold!

Now I'm back home with Grammy and Sol and all is well. While I was gone Grammy visited the doctor with Elsa and got a new prescription to deal with her anxiety attacks. It will take a bit to build up in her system, so it's been a little bit of an experimentation period with how much to give her of her old anxiety pills as the new one builds up. I think that by the time I got back it was mostly figured out. She still needs some of the old ones to get through the day and sleep through the night, but after a week or so the new stuff should be kicking in.

Grammy's day started out with Sue coming over a little before 7:30am to check on her. When I got up at about that time, Sue had Grammy taking a shower (but not washing her hair). Then we all hung out until nearly 8:30am when Sue had to start working. Then Grammy did a bit of yard work (collecting leaves) and I put in an "express loaf" of onion and potato bread.

At about 11am, Judi (Grammy's home care worker) came over and the guys from Home Depot came and delivered a brand new dish washer for the kitchen! Grammy still had the original dish washer from when they moved in, in 1979, and it didn't work anymore. The delivery guys were very quick, and then Grammy and Judi hung out for the normal 3 hours.

Meanwhile, Sol got a call from the auto shop that his car was fixed, so we went to pick it up! It needed a new clutch and a new part to the transmission, along with plugging a couple of leaks. It was in the shop for about a week, so it was great news that it was ready for pick up.

In the afternoon, Grammy hung out and watched Keeping Up Appearances with me, and at about 3:30pm Sol and I went for a run. Within a minute after we left, Grammy walked over to Sue's house asking for an anxiety pill. As soon as she realizes she is alone, she feels strong anxiety.

When I got back from the run (I went for an extra lap after Sol), Grammy and I met at the intersection in front of her house, both walking up and both surprised to run into each other. She was out walking to get "some fresh air" and I was walking off the run. We walked together up the street and back, but she managed to come back inside and stay for the rest of the night.

We made some pasta with delicious store-bought turkey meatballs in sauce, and an interesting arugula, kale salad with whatever vegetables we had around. Sue came over and we all ate together. Then we made strawberry daiquiris and hung out. Overall, it was a nice day back. It is nice to have a "home base" and I enjoy having out with Grammy (and she always enjoys people being around).

Grammy speaks:

"She's so sentimental!" --Grammy talking about Elena upon hanging up the phone with her. I don't know what they were talking about, but whatever it was left Grammy talking about how sentimental she is. She even went so far as to say that at some point her and "my mom" (she called Sue my mom all day) were talking about moving South, where it would be cheaper to live, and she thought it would be good if they could live closer to Elena.

Grammy photos:

Grammy and I taking a selfie together, trying hard to make it enthusiastic!

Making penne with meatballs and salad (I'm wearing the deliciously warm scarf knit by my friend Allyza for my birthday)

Grammy and I in the kitchen preparing dinner

Grammy chopping vegetables for our dinner salad

Grammy on the phone with Elena before dinner

Grammy's Birthday

Today started off with a surprise birthday breakfast courtesy of Sue. I heard some doors closing and opening and thought that Grammy was shuffling around. It was still pretty early so I stayed in bed. Then I heard Grammy talking and I figured she was talking to her cat, but then I heard Sue. When I walked down I found Sue and Grammy feasting on some fantastic pancakes and fresh fruit. It was so cute :) I think Sue should do that every morning so we can all start our days on a positive note. Then the cutest part is at the end of the meal, when Sue was leaving to start work, Grammy gave her a little kiss and a thank you. It's less cute because Grammy woke up with a fat cold sore on her lip...so she may have given Sue the germs. haha. But in all seriousness, for as much as Grammy complains that she doesn't like people taking care of her, she definitely does appreciate it. Every night when I walk upstairs with her, turn on her tv and put some toothpaste on her toothbrush for her she says "thank you" as I leave her for the night. It's so sweet.

Today Grammy seemed to have enjoyed her visit with Judy again. At least she feels that way as soon as Judy leaves, but it's probable that by the end of the day she'll be back to complaining that she has to come. I came in the room at the end of the visit and the two of them were talking about the family. Then my dad came up in the context of family members who are Jewish. Then Grammy brought up the story from when my dad was the family's paper boy in Maryland and Grampy would come out of the house to check to make sure his paper was delivered on time every morning. She laughed that Grampy just did that to tease, he actually liked him. Haha. I've heard the story from both of my parents as well, so it clearly left a mark on everyone.

We've also gotten a record amount of phone calls today, but mostly because everyone is calling to wish a Happy Birthday, which she seems to have enjoyed.

I managed to get her to sit for a photo with all of her birthday cards. Unfortunately there is bad back lighting, but at least we have a record of when she turned 81.

You'll be happy to know that THREE of you got Grammy the exact same card (my mom, Kristen and Cathey). It's a good one-- a Vday and Bday combo.

Grammy (and other) quotes:

"That animal hasn't budged, are you sure it's not dead?"- She said this after Rico had been sleeping on the chair for about an hour.

"Emily Hernandez Goldstein and 4 other friends posted about the Grammys"-- My friend texted me that this is what her Facebook feed told her on Monday.

"It's just so terrible when they have the littlest... If they're going to have boobs have them or shut them!"-- Watching Rihanna's dress at the Grammy's on Ellen today. She disapproved of the low cut dress.

"I've been standing around the door forever!"-- She told Mary Ann this on the phone. She meant that she'd been sitting next to the phone forever because so many people were calling her for her birthday. She definitely enjoyed the calls.

"I never thought in a million years that I'd get this old. But now that I'm here, it's not so bad."-- Grammy when we remind her that she just turned 81.

Sue shows Grammy her iPhone with a photo of our cousin Janie's dog up-

Sue: "Here Mom, here's a photo of Janie's dog."

Grammy: "Ohhh he's ugly..."

Sue: "Yeah, he's so ugly that he's cute"

Grammy: "Noo...he's just ugly. He looks like he's been on a bender." HAHAHA

Feb 13

Ode to ironing:

Yesterday's morning ravings were about the "beautiful iron!" that we have down in the basement. She just loves that iron and ironing. All day she was talking about something that is beautiful and lo and behold it's an iron... (Meanwhile I'm reading about banded iron formations to prepare for my visit to University of Wisconsin...) She took the time to iron the stuff that she found in the dryer, which happened to be a bunch of sheets and towels. :p

Yesterday was a pretty low key day. Laura, who had been here since Wednesday, left in the late morning. Grammy did random house chores, hung out, and watched tv. I did some chores, read some papers and watched tv. Sol hung out, played his playstation, and read.

Grammy- Relationship Counselor:

At some point Grammy got it in her mind that Sol and I should be sitting together and talking more often. Usually he's in another room, I guess. In the afternoon Grammy decided that she wanted to give us some time to spend together and she went upstairs to rest in her room with her cat. I wasn't sure if it was really about us or if she just wanted a chance to take a nap, so I figured either way it doesn't matter.

Now, of course Sol and I have PLENTY of time to talk and be together. We've been together for more than half a year, almost constantly. If we are doing separate things during the day (even if it is in the same house) it's not a sign of a degrading relationship or us feeling uncomfortable hanging out in front of Grammy. So thanks anyway, Grammy...I hope you will stop worrying about our relationship.

Still, whenever he is getting himself something from the kitchen, Grammy looks at me and says under her breath, "You're not going to help him with that?" or "You're not going to get that for him?" I tell her no...she'll probably be telling people soon that I don't do enough for him. HA! :)

Chef Cooperdock:

Last night Sol made bbq chicken calzones from scratch. It's was an experiment, his first attempt at something that he hopes to master. They turned out pretty well and Grammy enjoyed the fact that he was cooking dinner.

Sol's job?:

There is still no job happening. He's put in countless applications and went to different places to inquire about the progress of his application. Still, most of the places don't do any hiring on site, it's all through big corporate firms, so it goes very slowly and is difficult to follow up. He has new hope from a friend and ex-trail crew member in Maine that does landscaping. It's probable at the moment that Sol will go up and do a couple projects with him in March, especially while I am in Israel. As much as I don't want him to be far away when I'm here, I'm glad that this might work out for him. First he needs to get his car repaired...but it's in the shop now so it should be fixed soon.

Today:

Grammy has received a lot of great birthday cards and small gifts. Rosie and Bob sent an edible bouquet that was delicious! Laura made a very tasty cake that was finished tonight. Mario sent some flowers that we put in a vase today. Otherwise, we had our normal visit from Judy during the day and today Grammy didn't complain at all or look displeased with her coming. Usually after Judy visits she is pretty tired for the rest of the afternoon, so she's been hanging out pretty contentedly. We even managed to wash her hair in the kitchen sink this evening! We had a delicious dinner tonight and Sue and Grammy even did the dishes.

All is well on the home front.

Grammy quotes:

We were having a conversation while a news story was on tv about Whitney Houston's relationship with Bobby Brown. We told Grammy that he was abusive and she mostly understood...

Grammy: When you have a husband don't kick him!"

Me: "He can't kick me!"

Grammy: "I've heard of once in a while having to have a spanking." (giggle).

Thanks to the FAM

Grammy is obsessed when she is having a bad attack with going to a pharmacist and talking to someone to ask what she can do better to make her feel better.

Sometimes she feels totally by herself even when some one is around. Laura was here today, but when Sol and I got home Grammy was walking around outside to get fresh air during an attack and made it sound like she didn't realize that someone was home. I've been here before when she's felt like she's totally alone and gone to look for Sue instead.

She said today that when she's totally alone she is afraid of what she will do when no one is around to help her if she's feeling really badly. She's wondering if she will call the police or knock on her friend Mary's door. She's been trying to do some self healing by going out in the cold air for a walk and soaking herself in cold water.

She finds a lot of comfort in Sue being around. I think that is because she knows that Sue LIVES next door, so she can always count on her being around. The rest of us come and go.

I wanted to take a moment to say that I've been writing this blog for two reasons: 1. To act as a diary and diffuse any stress I may be feeling while living with Grammy, and 2. To hopefully help us all (family and friends) talk about what's going on with Grammy.

What I didn't anticipate is how much overflowing support I've received. It makes all the difference to know that people are reading, that people care and that people appreciate knowing about Grammy. It is so amazing what Sue, Laura and Elsa were doing before I got here. They've watched Grammy deteriorate slowly, over a long time, and have spent a lot of their own time living with her. I've barely touched the surface in terms of time and commitment and I'm just happy to be able to contribute. Plus I'm definitely benefitting from having free rent, free food and a purpose. To everyone else in the family, I don't mean to exclude your contributions. Everyone has had a positive contribution who has either directly spent time with Grammy or has supported those of us who have spent extended periods with her. As long as everyone in the family is happy and healthy, Grammy can have her mind at ease.

One hilarious incident was our whole scene cooking tonight. I tried a new recipe that involved cooking sirloins. It called for a grill, so I looked up how to do it in the oven and it said to broil them. Then Laura had bought some fresh beets and said we just had to cut them, wash them, and boil them. I don't want to get into the hairy details, but just be sure that the smoke alarm was going off for the last 15 minutes...and Grammy and I both ended up with our fingers and lips beet red. The dinner turned out okay...nothing burned. It was a comedy of errors and we had some good laughs.

Tonight I was also witness to an extended conversation between Sue, Laura and Grammy about Sue and Grammy moving down to Delaware. I'd say that Grammy was doing pretty well with it all. It sounds like she'd be willing to consider the move with the rationale that it will let her be close to family who can take care of her. Of course, her mood will change depending on the day, but it's a look upward.

Grammy quotes:

"It's different if you are pregnant and you want to have a baby soooo soooo bad that you have to do that."-- Grammy talking about eating at a buffet, within a conversation about moving with Sue and Laura. I have to admit, I walked in late so I have noooooo idea.

"If I can have nuts and chocolates, then why can't I have a little [pill]" -- Grammy when she was feeling anxious and the attack wasn't going away even after taking an afternoon pill. She was wondering why she couldn't take another pill in the afternoon after we offered her some snacks.

"My problem is my knees! I couldn't get up and chase men...after you, if they were chasing you."--She just said this as she was standing up to get dessert, she laughed and looked at me and made a motioning pretending to run. HAHA!

"I want to die in Vermont"-- Grammy told me this when Sue and Laura had left the room a while after their conversation about moving to Delware. I asked her who she would live with in Vermont and she said that she'd live at home. Then I asked what is home and she said that, right, she didn't know. Not in a way like she lost her memory of it, but more as an admission that she doesn't have a 'home' there.

All is well...

I don't know what people did before anxiety pills. I haven't looked much into the history of Alzheimer's disease, but, according to an extremely brief google search, it is something that has been described throughout history.

I'm not one to say what is normal in Grammy's case, but since I've been here she has needed 3 anxiety pills a day. As I've said, she gets one in her morning pills when she first wakes up and in her bedtime pills, which she takes before she goes upstairs to sleep. They took her off the third, noon time, pill because it made her too tired during the day. As Elsa said, she would give it to her if she asked for one during the day.

It's interesting how the pill will affect her fatigue. In the morning it doesn't seem to bother her too much, she's up puttering around all morning. The afternoon pill does seem to have a pretty strong affect on how tired she is. Yesterday she took a little nap after she had her pill and after Judy's visit, which wears her out. At night time she takes the pill and seems to sleep soundly throughout the night.

So, to return to my initial thought, I don't know how people dealt with it pre-anxiety medication because it seems like she needs it. Otherwise she'd be living in a (almost) constant state of tension, anxiety and paranoia. Maybe people just didn't live old enough for it to be a constant problem. Anyway, thank god for this bit of medical science.

Grammy on the pill is so pleasant and Grammy without it is sad and stressful. While we did have that bad attack on Monday, yesterday she was totally fine and so far today she's doing great. She's still pleasant and funny. She still complains about food and being cold. She still does the dishes almost constantly and sweeps the floor rather often. She still puts all of the dishes in the wrong cupboards. Everytime I cook she still says, "I need to learn how to cook" or "You should teach me your recipes."

Another Grammy story: Apparently over the weekend Grammy did some yard work. She loves raking and I guess she got some serious raking in. Fast forward to me throwing out some recycling today and discovering that both the trash bin and recycling bin are halfway full of leaves. I asked Sue why there would be leaves in the bins and she said that Grammy had been raking and probably put all the leaves in the bins...even though Sue told her that the leaves had to go into brown bags and NOT the trash bins. We resolved the problem by having Sol take out and repack the leaves. But it's another case where it's interesting to see what she is capable of and what just doesn't connect anymore. She was able to complete multi-step tasks, know to put the leaves in the trash, but just not that there are specific bins for different things.

In many ways living with Grammy is like being a part of the movie, Groundhog's Day. She's like Bill Murray and I'm like someone else in the movie that he comes into contact with everyday. It's as if the elements of the day is the same every time and she can vary how she approaches them. Depending on her mood she can make the day a little happier or a little sadder, but when she goes to bed, she wakes up and starts all over again with just a vague memory of what happened the day before.

In order to keep things fresh, the past couple of days we've been doing a lot of new cooking. The first try in the bread maker was a success-- one 2lb. loaf that we ate up in the past 3 days. Today I put in a new batch called "white country bread" that had a slightly different recipe. It's great. Sol made a pasta burina recipe with penne, tomato sauce, mushrooms, peas and bacon for dinner a couple of nights ago for my birthday dinner that he cooks me every year. Last night I made mashed sweet potatoes with sweet-n-spicy pork chops (chiptole in adobo sauce + orange marmalade). OMG it was sooo good. Both of these recipes came out of the cookbook that Sol's parents got for me for my birthday, The First Real Kitchen Cookbook. I just received another new cookbook from my friend Vicky, The Pioneer Woman Cooks, which I look forward to exploring after I get a little more comfortable with complex recipes.

I've also been getting my fix of tv...but remember that I only get the most basic of basic channels at Grammy's house. It must be the package for old people who can't remember what they've seen before. It's literally just cbs, nbc, fox, abc and tbs. The rest are weird non-brand tv channels that don't really have anything on it. And now I'm willing to admit that I'm that person that sits through the entire hour long weigh in session on Biggest Loser eating cool ranch doritos and drinking a gin and tonic after 9pm. Yeah...it's good to be young.

Grammy quotes (note, Grammy quotes should be imagined with a shy giggle):

"Well they certainly fit him well."--Her reaction as we were watching the Super Bowl and David Beckham's commercial came on. I explained to her that this is a famous soccer player and he has a new underwear line coming out.

"Even if I feel nutty, I should feel happy that everything else is good."--As we were watching The Revolution, a show about the overall health makeover of this woman who had cancer.

A bad attack

Today Grammy had one of the worst anxiety attacks that I've been witness to. It's not any worse than the really bad ones that she has had before, but it's the first that I was around for.

This morning was pretty normal, fairly fine even. She was very receptive when I made her tea and breakfast. Then I reminded her that her home care worker, Judy, was coming today. She became visibly uptight and there was strong negative energy coming from her. This isn't completely out of the ordinary either, but it was worse than normal. One of her usual harpings is about how she doesn't want the home care worker to come. Judy is a very nice woman and she treats Grammy really well, but for Grammy it feels like a social engagement where she has to be entertaining this woman who she doesn't really know that well. It's especially hard to do since their relationship started well after she was losing her memory.

Usually when Judy is here (Mon and Tues for 3 hours) I run errands and go out to lunch with Sol. Today we were out for the whole time and got back just before Judy left. After Judy left Grammy started complaining again about how she doesn't want her to be around. She always feels guilty for saying it, but she sure does say it quite often. More times than not, however, she manages to rationalize her way through the issue. She says that her kids set up the appointments without asking her and that they tell her that Judy needs to keep on coming (with the implication that she disagrees with her kids). Then she moves on to how if I'm around or if Elsa, Laura or Sue are around then she doesn't see why Judy needs to come. Then she ends by saying that she understands that there probably will be a time in the future when she needs someone around even more than she does now, and I won't be around anymore, and Judy's company will be really important (and necessary).

It's impressive that she can draw this conclusion, because oftentimes the things that upset her just cause her confusion. She relaxed for a little bit after Judy left but then she slipped out saying she wanted to feel how warm it was outside and went to Sue's. Next thing I know Sol is saying "You're grandmother is walking down the street" as he looked through the window. I normally am very uptight about her walking down the street alone, but this time I decided to let it go since she was mentioning how she will walk down the street to the end and back when she needs fresh air to curb her anxiety attacks. I kept my eye on her and went to Sue's to check to see if she took a pill and if this was normal.

Sue said that she hadn't given Grammy a pill because Grammy didn't ask. She also said that there was one time that her and Justin saw Grammy walking down the street, and long story short, she got home fine.

Grammy and I walked back into her house at the same time after this. I nonchalantly asked her if she wanted to take one of her pills to see if it helps her feel better, and she did. Then about 10 minutes later she said that she was going back to Sue's because she wasn't feeling well. Sue texted me within 5 minutes to ask if I had given Grammy a pill. I told her yeah, she just took it. Apparently Grammy had forgotten that she took it and was asking for one. When Sue tried to remind her that she had just taken one at her house, she looked at Sue "like she had 10 heads."

Meanwhile, I figured Grammy would come back within 5 minutes or so, like usual. After half an hour I went back to Sue's to check on what was going on. I found Grammy washing the dishes and Sue working in her office. Grammy was visibly more upset than usual and she began explaining how she felt really bad and wanted to go to a doctor to ask them why this is happening to her. She was going on about how she never had these problems before, but they've started happening in the past year. She said that normally just comes to Sue's and will clean up some, or sit in her office and be quiet and not bother her. I asked her if she felt more calm in Sue's house than her own and she said yes but she doesn't know why exactly.

She kept on saying that she wanted to go to a doctor and to tell them what she's feeling and to find out if there is something they could do for her. But she couldn't get more specific about what exactly she would tell them or want to know from them. Mainly it was just that she was having an anxiety attack, it wasn't going away and she didn't feel normal.

Of course, normal is being redefined as she continues to progress through Alzheimer's. In reality, it turns out that this isn't so abnormal. I didn't know at the time, but later found out that she had a very similar attack yesterday and said a lot of the same stuff to Sue. It was slightly comforting to know that this attack wasn't abnormally bad. It's at the bad end of what we've witnessed as bad.

I left her there for about 20 more minutes as Sol and I went for a run and then came back and we both went back to her house. We sat, had tea, watched some Keeping Up Appearances and she slowly felt much better. Sue had to go to get a tire fixed, Grammy had asked to go with her but Sue told her it was probably a bad idea because it would take a long time and involve sitting in a stuffy tire shop. Grammy clearly just wanted to go out of a fear of not being near Sue and of having to go back into her house. When we were back in the house, not 15 minutes later, Grammy had forgotten that Sue was leaving for the errand. I had to remind her and you could tell that she got concerned that Sue would be gone. I assured her that I would be around all night even while Sue was gone and you could see something click in her head and she became much more settled.

Herein lies the inherent contradiction of behavior that makes it so difficult to come to a rational understanding of why she feels the way she does. Normally she does not want to leave her house, ever. In this case, she can't stand to stay in her house "just sitting, watching tv or staring at the wall." Normally she's always freeeeeezzing. She can never get warm enough. In this case she just wanted to go outside and walk around in the cold air and to feel physically cold and refreshed. I understand how it would clear your mind and calm you down to feel the cold air. I don't know what the problem is with the house...of course it could be part of her memory loss and feeling alien in her own home, or it could be the added influence of having me and Sol around with our stuff.

After a cup of tea we went for one more walk down the street and by the time we got back and had the dinner that Sol was cooking for us, she was back to normal and feeling a lot better. She recognized that she felt better and acknowledged it. She complimented Sol on his cooking and she thanked me for helping her and being around as I helped her get ready for bed.

I know I can't take any of it personally, and for the most part I don't. There are times when I'm clearly either not enough to keep her feeling safe and secure, and there are times when I might even be stressing her out a little just by being around. However, there are many more times when she makes it clear that she is happy that I am there because the last thing she wants is to be alone. And I think she like me.

Sue and I were discussing whether it might be time to tell her that she has Alzheimer's. She has said many times that she just wishes her doctors would tell her what is going on, but it's hard to tell what she means by that. If the doctor did tell her would it... make her more upset? would she just forget it immediately? would it help her rationalize why she's having these changes?

Bra saga cont.

Today Sol and I are going to leave to go to New York for the extended weekend to celebrate my birthday. Elsa is on her way to Grammy's house to stay with her for the interim. And, boy, I'm going to leave her with a little list of issues to deal with :)

This morning Grammy came down, as usual, with complaints about her clothes. Once again, her bra was at the center of the problem. She had her hands rifling around under her sweater and she said that her bra wasn't fitting right. She doesn't recognize most of her clothes anymore, and in spite of this, she manages to dress herself pretty well. Except this morning she told me that her bra was "up here" motioning to her upper breast plate, and her boobs were "down here" pointing to her stomach area. I admit I was a little distracted anyway, but I also decided "no thank you" and told her she should just take off her bra. I wasn't about to deal with that. So she did, right there on the couch.

Then fast forward to me begin distracted for another hour and Grammy is walking back through the living room with her bra bunched up in her hand and she's shoving it back up her shirt saying "I guess I'll just keep this up here." I told her, "Grammy, why don't you just put it in your pocket." Then she thought, "Oh that's an idea." And so I'm like, 90% sure that she put it in her pocket. I can't say that I actually saw her do it and now who knows where it is. I'm hoping she put it back up in her room. Caretaker fail.

Otherwise, we solved the anxiety pill problem (hopefully). We have a weekly pill box with the optional extra pill in it so we can keep track of which days she is taking it. Yesterday I had her take a pill at noon to see if it prevented any later-day anxiety. I think it helped. The reason why they stopped giving her a lunch time pill is that they cause drowsiness and she is already pretty tired all the time.

It seems like it is definitely a difficulty. For the past three nights, she's wanted to go to bed at 6pm. I would prefer her to stay up until 8pm, but I will give in and let her go upstairs at 7:30pm if she really wants to. I think I have 8pm in my mind from listening to the routine that she had going on with Sue and Elsa before I arrived. I'm not one to judge going to bed ridiculously early-- while we were hiking, we'd sometimes get in the tent at 6:30 or 7pm, whenever we were done with dinner and just wanted to lie down. It was no problem to lounge in our sleeping bags for a full 12 hours every night. I'm sure Grammy feels the same way. It is just difficult to tell how much is her wanting to "get out of our way," which isn't at all necessary.

She knows that Sol and I are leaving for the weekend and that Elsa will hang out with her during that time. She was really happy when I told her this morning because she said that we are young and shouldn't be sitting around her house all day, and that-- get this --Elsa can because all her kids are grown up and out of the house. Because Elsa "has less to do" than we do. Haha. Ok, Grammy.

CDs, H-bands, pills and dopes

My grandmother has a home care worker that comes and spends 3 hours with her from 11am to 2pm on Mondays and Tuesdays. While Judi is here I usually go out and run errands, get lunch or watch tv at Sue's house. I always come back by 2pm, when Judi is set to leave. Today I found the two of them trying to figure out how to turn on a CD in Grammy's stereo system. I helped them out and it turns out that Judi burned Grammy a CD of her husband's music. He is in a jazz band and he plays the saxophone. It's pretty great stuff and Grammy really enjoyed it.

Yesterday it turned out that I tired Grammy out too much by looking through old photos. I find these things out because she will get upset or anxious, go to Sue's house and tell her whatever is on her mind, then Sue will let me know later when Grammy is in bed. In hindsight I could see the subtle signs of Grammy getting overwhelmed by the photos. She started out really excited and happy to look through them and telling the stories. After a while she was having a hard time recognizing people and places, even her own kids. I didn't pay it much mind at the time because they were old, black and white, faded and she had 7 kids... I don't remember when she could ever pick them all apart in photos of them as children.

Anyway, today I figured I'd try to let her rest, which means needing to get her to rest a bit in the afternoon. She listened to Judi's husband's CD for a bit, watered the plants and watched some Keeping Up Appearances. It seems to have worked pretty well. It's really unavoidable to upset or overwhelm her every once in a while because there are always new things to trigger it. For example, the photos have been a positive experience that even calms her down when she's feeling anxious since I've been here, until yesterday and it had the opposite effect. The same is true for a lot of 'activities' it seems. She will be happy sometimes to try out a craft or something once or twice, but then she doesn't have an interest in continuing it like a habit. It makes it tricky to figure out the best way to spend time with her.

Overall she does enjoy the rest and even though she says she is bored, it trumps having to do an activity that makes her face her condition. That is why I don't think swimming is in the near future, or church for that matter. She has said things that make it clear that she's concerned that she will run into someone that she knows and have to talk to them. She is afraid that she won't be able to communicate with them anymore and she is embarrassed.

Back to the CD- We wrote Judi a thank you note and I taped it to the calendar in the kitchen so that we can give it to her next Monday when she comes again. Already 6 or 7 times Grammy has asked me if we should write a thank you letter or asked me where I put the thank you note. I can tell already that this will be a constant topic until we give it to her next week. She also keeps on referring to the musician on the CD as Judi's brother, rather than husband. These are two examples of how her mind is working in general. She can't really differentiate between brothers, husbands, sons or grandsons (and double that for females too). She's referred to me as her daughter, or pointed to my aunt's in a photo and suggested that I'd remember them as my sisters. She knows that I'm her granddaughter and if asked directly she would be able to tell you so, but if her mind is working through something else and the relations are just a secondary issue, she mixes them up more than she gets them right.

Something that I'm sure you will all get a kick out of- It's becoming more and more clear that Sol being here is helping Grammy feel comfortable with me cleaning and cooking in the house. Just like the granddaughter thing, she knows that Sol is just my boyfriend, but she constantly calls him my husband. I guess she referred to me as his wife to him yesterday too (I warned him that it might happen so he wasn't too unsettled). So, get this, she thinks that it is good that I'm cooking and cleaning for my husband and she is just getting the secondary benefits. Little does she realize that I'm cooking and cleaning for her and Sol is just getting the benefits! The first sign was when she wanted me to serve him first at dinner. Usually I'm cooking dinner and Grammy is helping in the kitchen. When it's ready I always give her food first and then myself and usually just leave it there for Sol to get his own damn dinner. But when I gave her the plate she insisted that I make a plate for Sol first, "Shouldn't you give food to your husband first?!" I was like, "nooo, I'll give it to him second." And I did.

A new piece of information that is a little more concerning is that it seems that she is taking her anxiety pills at times that I'm not around. I assumed that she was taking one when she went to Sue's in the afternoon, around the time that sundowning was hitting. And I'd talk to Sue at night most of the time and she'd confirm this was the case. I came out of the shower today and Sue had texted me to check the bathroom cabinet to check on the pills that we keep in there. Grammy knows that she has a stash of her own anxiety pills there, and that if she wants to take one in the middle of the day, it's ok. I checked and there were only 3 pills left (usually it starts with about 7), but I haven't seen her take any. I'm afraid that she is taking them in the bathroom with the door closed, by herself. Sue and I decided to keep a closer eye on the number of pills there, and probably keep them in a weekly pill box so we can see if she takes one each day.

And to end on a bright note-

Here's the only funny thing Grammy said today. In reference to Laura and Elsa coming over for several days and doing everything for her, she described herself as "a dope on a log."

Sundowning

I don't know why, but I've been pretty exhausted lately. I think it's a mixture of getting used to waking up early everyday and allergies. It is probably also because I am spending a lot of time at a slower pace of life, less active and less energetic overall. I'm morphing into Grammy.

It's called Sundowning. The term is used regularly in Alzheimer's care. It refers to the anxiety attacks that persons with Alzheimer's experience as it gets dark outside. To me it makes sense that this feeling would come on strongly at twilight. While I was in college I would get very tired and cranky around 5pm in the winter months. I would have to have a cup of coffee or zone out for a bit before I could resume working on stuff (which I would normally try to do for another 6 hours or so). I learned after a couple of years that classes after 5 pm were like torture. It's definitely more of an issue in the winter months than the summer months. In the summer it gets dark and you get to go to bed.

Grammy has fairly regular late afternoon-evening anxiety "attacks". I put attacks in "" because it's not a full-blown melt down. She just seems troubled and will say that she has "that feeling" and that she needs to walk around or get fresh air. Yesterday when it happened I caught her as she was putting on her coat to go outside for a walk. I asked her if I could walk with her and we just went down the street and back and she seemed to feel better. Today she seemed more troubled and she said she was going to walk over to Sue's. I know that since we got here she has gone to Sue to ask for an afternoon anxiety pill, rather than ask me or just take it at home. I figure this isn't really a problem as long as it works for her.

It's funny that the Alzheimer's books said that the person might shadow you. They warn against getting annoyed that they are following you everywhere during the day as you complete basic tasks. Grammy and I have the exact opposite system going on. She would never follow me if I leave the room-- unless I'm going to the kitchen to cook something, then she'll come to see if she can help. It's more like she will go to the kitchen, go upstairs, go outside and I will follow her constantly. If I don't see her within 10 minutes when she's out of my sight, I go find her and make sure she's doing ok. If she steps a foot outside I make sure I'm going with her or know that she's just going over to Sue's. Before I got here, she spent a decent amount of time alone, so rationally I know that she'll probably be okay without my constant supervision. I just wonder if it annoys her, as much as I'm supposed to be annoyed, when I'm always shadowing her. If she does, she doesn't show it. If she does, then tough shit because that's my job.

Sometimes I wish I could just record what Grammy says because it's either funny, out of the ordinary or deep with some memory. Here is a list of things that she said today that I jotted down:

--In the morning we were watching the Today Show and there was a commercial for Crazy Bruce's Liquors and Grammy instantly perks up and says "Your mother used to love that guy!" Hahaha.

--We were watching Good Morning America and they had a stylist named Brad on to talk about the dresses of the SAG awards from last night. Right before they went to commercial after his segment Grammy said, "He has a gay little sound, that guy." I was like, "Well, that's because he is gay." Then we discussed homosexuality a little bit. I'm always impressed that she is so open minded after being raised in the time she was and under so much Catholic teachings. She told me a somewhat segmented story about a time that she had come home from work (she couldn't distinguish where, she kept on saying here, which is possible) and she found a boy crying by the door. She said he was old enough that she wanted to call his mother, but not so young that she had to. She said that she never told anyone about it, that he was just crying and really sad, but not physically hurt. She talked to him for a bit and I guess he just went away. She says that now she thinks that he may have been gay and dealing with that. I don't know why she thinks that, but I thought it was a fascinating piece of a story for her to remember.

--It is ridiculously cute how she says 'poopie'. I can't describe it, but maybe it's because I never heard her say it before. Now she says it about the cat's litter box, or if there is a poopie smell in the bathroom after she uses it. It's really cute, I need to record it.

--We were sitting in the kitchen together, waiting for dinner to cook, and I started really looking at the oven. I take for granted that it looks so normal in my grandmother's house, but if I try to look at it objectively, that is one oolllddd oven. I asked her if it was there when she moved in (in 1979) and she said that it hasn't been changed (not sure if that's the case, but seems plausible). I joked with her how I was just imagining how, sometime in the far future, when a new family moves into the house they are going to look at the stove and be like, omg when is that from?! And she laughed and I swear she said that they would be like "What's this shit?" I nearly fell over. My grandmother does NOT swear. The best part is that the radio or the steam from the stovetop or something got really loud right as she said it as if they were bleeping her out. It was pretty funny.

--On a much more serious/sad note, she sat down after dinner and looked upset and started to talk about how she doesn't feel like she's at home in her own home anymore. She said it feels like she's just getting to know the house for the first time, even though she knows that she has lived here so long. I asked her if she thought it felt different or new because Sol and I moved in. She said that it's not that because the house hasn't really changed since we've moved in (which is true, we haven't left too much of a dent). She made it sound more like it was the result of her memory loss, that everything seems foreign or new to her.

The Help

Hi all: I really appreciate all the comments and followers on this diary. I know Grammy has a huge support network, so I shouldn't be surprised, but it is nonetheless hugely helpful. This entry is more personal than about the day-to-day with Grammy.

Yesterday was a change of pace because my Aunt Pat came down from Newton to spend some time with Grammy. Sol and I managed to get out of the house for a few hours and went out to lunch. I have to say, it's sinking in more and more how lucky I am that Sol is the type of guy that he is. I take for granted sometimes that not every 23 year old male would be willing to live with his girlfriend's 80 year old grandmother, much less one that requires so much attention and care. He's a trooper and insanely supportive.

There is no big news with Grammy that sticks out in my mind, so instead I want to talk about the movie, The Help. My friend Amanda came over last night and watched it with me and Sol after Grammy had gone to bed. I've been looking forward to seeing the movie because I'm definitely interested in the culture surrounding the racial dynamics in the South during the civil rights movement, and it looked like it would be handled in a way that ends on a note of positive change rather than just sad.

When I got off the AT I picked up Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man and began reading it. My senior year high school english teacher told me that I had to read it. I tried to start it at one point, but I wasn't ready to get into it. I read the first 150 pages very quickly just a few weeks ago and I was very taken in by it (then I started traveling and haven't gotten back to it yet). His story begins in the segregated South and I had just walked through more of the southern states than I had ever before. Granted, I walked mainly through mountain towns where everyone was white. But tension was still on display in the form of confederate flags, and many made it very clear that they did not accept outsiders or anyone who is different from them and their kin. There were several moments when I had to stop and think, "What would this be like if I wasn't white?" "Would I be offered this ride that I so desperately need?" Anyway, I have had this stuff on my mind and the movie was definitely interesting and challenging on that level.

But the movie really spoke to me uniquely at this moment because, besides being about racial inequality, it is the story of caretakers and mother-figures. For the first time in my life, I am able to connect on a new emotional level to the stories of women who raise children or take care of the elderly. The movie is about a young woman, my age, who writes a revolutionary book about the inherent hypocrisy in the crippling tradition of hiring black maids to raise (and love) white children. The cycle completes when they children they cared for reach 20 years old, are married and have their own children to be raised by the black maid. As they grow up, these white children are closer to their black maid than their own mothers, but once they are old enough to have their own kids, they are as racist as their forefathers and mothers.

From my perspective, one character in particular was like the chimera of emotionally difficult issues that this movie raises. It was the maid, Constantine, who raised the main character, Skeeter. She was one part maid (to the house), one part mother figure (to Skeeter), and one part frail and aging grandmother figure (to her own daughter/family). All parts of her story were pretty damn sad by the end. I could see Grammy in the maternal role, the housekeeper role and the fading elderly role. It was so sad in Constantine's case because she was forced to continue to function and work as her mind was fading. We didn't talk about it, but I'm sure that between Sol, Amanda and me, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Two nights ago, it hit me how devastating it will be when my Grandmother dies. Sorry if that seems morbid to anyone, but I say it out of respect. I realize that by spending this time with my Grandmother, and getting to know how awesome she is, I'm opening up a new emotional level in myself.

Ok, this stuff is pretty heavy for the morning, but it was too late for me to write it out last night. I'm usually not very comfortable getting so personal, but I'm starting to be brave enough to explore these issues and how they affect my life.

Some days are harder than others

Today was a little bit harder than most days. It wasn't anything groundbreaking, but overall Grammy just seemed more anxious and tense throughout the day.

This morning started out pretty good. Grammy even remembered how to turn on the stove to make hot water for tea for herself. She also pulled out her curling iron, curled her hair and remembered to unplug it. She was doing more tasks on her own than I've seen since I've been here.

It was short lived. The rest of the day was full of enough weird behavior to make the earlier moments of lucidity seem more like a fluke than a sign of any improvement. She had ice cream twice today, both between lunch and dinner. I think that having ice cream twice is definitely a sign of memory loss, but I don't think it's a particularly bad one :). The first time I found her in the kitchen (a phrase that I seem to use a lot!) she was pulling the ice cream out of the freezer. She was about to scoop it out onto a little plate because she "only wanted a little bit". I told her she should switch out the plate for a bowl and gave her the bowl. She agreed that it was probably a better vessel to put it in because it was designed better to hold the ice cream (her logic). The second time she was eating ice cream, Sol and I had gone for a run between 4:20-4:50pm. When we got back, she had a little plate with some ice cream on it. The plate ended up working fine because she ate it fast enough, but, ya know... About an hour later I was cooking some vegetables and Sol was picking up our pizza for dinner. Sue had come over after work and was in the kitchen when I opened the fridge to take out some salad dressing. I had opened and closed the fridge probably 5 times already, but Sue is the one that noticed that there was the tub of ice cream in the refrigerator. I moved it to the freezer, and luckily it wasn't too melted by then.

Grammy also took out a piece of bread as we were making salad, waiting for the pizza. She said that she'd save it for after dinner to eat it with some nutella (because--you guessed it--she hadn't had it in such a long time!) Then when we were eating dinner she took it with her and put it on top of her pizza, making it like a sandwich with the pizza crust and ate her pizza that way. She said that everything was good, but she's also pretty polite.

That's the thing. At least my grandmother's nature is of a polite, shy and nice person. I'm lucky that she's not a nasty, cantankerous croon. Really. I'm also extremely lucky that Sol is here, because even though I'm not paying him nearly enough attention, just knowing he's there is a huge relief. And I am equally hugely lucky that Sue is next door. It wouldn't be nearly enjoyable, and most of the time it actually is bordering on enjoyable, if Sue's house weren't next door to escape to every once in a while. Or to go ask questions about how things function in an adult/senior citizen world (i.e. bills, tax stuff, prescriptions, etc.).

Anyway, we took a nice walk around the block today but Grammy still "got that feeling" of anxiety in the late afternoon (between ice creams) and went to Sue's house to take a pill. It seems like she is embarrassed to take the anti-anxiety pill in front of us when she feels like she needs it. So she says that she's going to Sue's and will do it at her house. This is fine, but it's during those times that she isn't in a great mood overall. The pills help a lot, but they make her sleepy. She also got a call from Walgreens while we were running that one of her prescriptions was filled. She normally doesn't answer the phone, and Sue calls in and picks up all of her refills. So it was strange when we got home and she was sitting there with three pieces of paper with different notes scrawled over them. Two were old scrap papers lying around, and on one of them she had written down a note about the call. It read, "Whalgreens farmcy." She was looking at it and looking at me and would say, "I don't know how to spell anymore." Her mood was tense about the prescription until Sue took her about half an hour later. I think she was worried that we would forget to do it based on the fact that historically she would be responsible for it herself, and she now forgets all the time.

I was worried about coming here because I'm normally really sensitive to other people's moods. I feel like I can read people pretty well, and when I sense tension I try my best to ease it because it makes me anxious. Luckily, I'm able to detach myself enough with my grandmother at the moment that I have been handling her bad moods pretty well. The thing is---they are temporary and inevitable. In general she seems to do better when she can focus on cleaning something or looking through old photos or reminiscing about old stories.

I found my grandfather's 200+ page book about our family's genealogy. He spent over three decades researching and compiling the Hernandez-Couture family history into a readable and interesting anthology. There are (luckily) electronic copies of it, and I hope everyone in the family has one (if not let me know and I'll send it to you). I would love to read it, so I think that starting tomorrow or so I'll read it out loud with Grammy. I figure I'll try to rummage a bit through the basement and the attic for old photos or other interesting documents that are lying around. People have done this a lot in the past already, so I'll just see what is left over. The only problem is that walking into the basement is like walking into a torture chamber for me. I get such horrible allergies that I can only spend 5 minutes there at a time. But the treasures are worth it. I didn't know my grandfather very well at all, since he died when I was 6. I did spend a vacation with him, my grandmother and my cousin in Italy the year before he died and I have a couple memories from that. It's really been a treat to read his writing and to get to know him a little better through it. Clearly a very good writer, with a dry and dark wit. I like it. Best line (although I can't seem to find it now) was about me as a baby and basically said "She's awfully cute, even if she does look more like her dad."

The humor in the daily routine

Day 6 with Grammy:

Before I came here my mom tried to warn me that spending time with my Grandmother would at times be like spending time with a toddler. It came up mainly in reference to the importance of going for walks, or running errands outside, during the day in order to make sure she gets some fresh air (she gets anxious being inside all day, but she won't ask to go out ever). My mom said that it may be like dealing with a toddler, where it takes you 20 minutes to get dressed to go outside for 10 minutes. This is kind of true, but I'd say that Grammy is a little quicker than that right now. But there are some ways that Grammy's memory loss results in behavior that is comparable to what we might consider typical of a child.

Case in point: My Aunt Elsa ordered Grammy a new pair of shoes from LLBean and had it shipped to my Aunt Sue's house (next door). Grammy has these old brown shoes that are really comfortable, but they are falling apart. She told me about 20 times in the first two days that people tell her that her shoes are dumpy, but that she likes them and doesn't care because she doesn't go out ever. Every once in a while she would tell me that sometime she will need to go shoe shopping because her shoes are falling apart. Clearly the shoes were on her mind, but she'd change her view on the subject depending on her mood. You must realize, my Grandmother is the type of person who DOES care about those things. She would normally never wear something that looked "dumpy", so her recent acceptance of such things is a sign of her resignation that her life has changed and she can't keep up with the pace of life she once had. Anyway, the shoes arrived yesterday and Sue walked the box over to the house. I opened them for Grammy, she tried them on, they were overall ok (although not as wide as a 7 1/2 W should be). I left the box out because it was unclear whether they would really fit well, and I wanted to be able to pack them up if we needed to return them. Then today, Grammy spent the whole day playing with the box, like a child. She would pick it up as soon as she noticed it again and open and close it and look at the label. She'd notice that the label was for Annette Susan Hernandez (my Aunt Sue next door) and not her name, Annette R. Hernandez. I'd tell her that Elsa ordered it and had it sent to Sue's house. Then she's say "oooh, Ok." and we did that several times. I'd leave the room and walk back in to it and she'd have the box back in her lap, fiddling with it. It really just makes me smile, because she was just sooooo intrigued by that box! It made her day, and kept her busy. I think I can get rid of it now because she seems to like the shoes.

There are a couple of other instances of memory loss that crack me up, and I hope you all can share a bit in the humor of it. One was last night when Sue's cat Velcro came in and sat next to Grammy to let her pet him. Velcro is a 15 year old cat and has a skin disease that is like psoriasis. He has thick, flaky skin under his fur that is pretty gross because it scratches off. Anyway, Grammy was petting him and all of a sudden touched a part of his skin that was that gross flaky stuff and started brushing aside his fur to see "What is under there??" I told her that he has a skin disease, and she would say "Oh yeah...that's right." Then 5 minutes later she'd start petting him and get a grossed out look on her face and start digging through his hair to see what it was again. This happened maybe five times, and I'm sure you had to be there for it to be really funny, but it was cracking me up. She didn't really mind his skin disease, and when I told her matter of factly that he has a skin disease every time she said "oh that's right. I knew that," but it was like watching a repeat reel of a comedy sketch.

Even funnier is that, I swear, 3 times since I've been here she has told me that she's craving nutella. The first time I found her in the kitchen and I asked her what she wanted. She said she was just craving some nutella, and that she hadn't had any in a while but that she loooves it. So I got her half an English muffin with nutella all made up and she ate it happily. Then a couple days later I found her taking a scoop of nutella with a spoon as a snack in the kitchen and she told me how she just loves the stuff, but hadn't had it for weeks. Then today, after eating a bowl of the pork and poblano stew that I made in the crockpot today (delish!), I found her making a piece of bread with nutella and she told me how nutella is just so delicious and she hadn't had it in a month! I just smiled and agreed that nutella is the bomb. It won't hurt her to eat nutella 3 times a week! And maybe it tastes even better when she thinks she's been craving it for a month!

I bring up these moments because it is so important to find the humor in the face of Alzheimer's. It may seem crude at times, but it is really the only way to get through the changes happening. I feel best when there are times that Grammy is complaining or uncomfortable about something and I figure out a way to respond that makes both of us smile, or laugh it off. It's not just about finding the humor in it from the caretaker's perspective, it's just as important to help the person suffering from the memory loss to find some humor in it.

Another positive note to end on is that I found a slew of really old photos in Grammy's drawer in her bedroom. There were several photos from her wedding, a date with Grampy before they were married, and Elena when she was first born in Panama. We put together several pages for a photo album and it was a great exercise. Grammy could recognize the people and as we sat there, organizing them and putting it all together, she could remember more and more of the stories associated with the events that the photos represented. She'd say that it was good to see the photos, because if she can't remember immediately the stories, the more she sat and thought about it, the more she could remember. She told how when she met Grampy, she was in nursing school in NY and he was studying to be a male nurse. Her friends were all women who were

'deathly shy of men," and she was very shy and turned down many date proposals from other guys. She was introduced to Grampy through a mutual friend, but by accident. Then he invited her to go swimming with him and his friends when the other girl he was seeing was too sick to go with them. Then they never looked back. She knew he was a nice guy and she really liked him. He visited her family in Vermont, and eventually they were married in her home town, Barre, Vermont. By eventually I mean in less than a year. When she was 20. Then we looked at the photos of Elena, and she remembered fondly how she was "a little brat that always ran away" as soon as she could walk. :)

Food Stuffs

This morning began with my head completed filled with snot. I have pretty bad allergies in CT, which I knew to expect, but this morning was an unwelcome reminder of how bad it gets. (And yes mom- I'm taking meds). Anyway, I got up around 7:30 and had time to get some coffee ready for me, tea for Grammy and check email before Grammy came down

Grammy's morning routine is usually hanging out in her room until she hears someone downstairs. She'll get dressed and make her bed. Then when she comes down she takes her pills, has tea and cereal with blueberries. The past couple of days it has been routine to get on my case for being up so early. She'll tell me that I don't need to get up for her, that I should go back to bed, and that someone my age should sleep until noon. :) I had that time when I was 14-17. This morning, thankfully, I didn't get the lecture.

Instead this morning she decided to pull up her shirt and show me her bra, because she was complaining that she doesn't like it. I mean really, just imagine Grammy of all people pulling up her shirt to show you what’s under it. Then she did again to show me that she was just wearing a dickie (?). I don’t even know how to spell it because I certainly didn’t grow up with it in my fashion repertoire. It's just funny because Old Grammy would have never done that. My idea of my grandmother is as a very proper and prudish person (as with most people and their grandmother's I imagine). Later we got to enjoy a second awkward moment when the Nate Berkus show was all about sex and your sex life in the bedroom. I went for a run just in time.

Anyway, today I figure I’ll talk about food since that is a constant topic with Grammy and she has had an interesting change in behavior regarding eating. I always remember Grammy as someone who enjoyed food, ate a healthy amount and constantly wanted to feed you. Now she is always making sure that we are fed and have enough to eat (by asking us every hour or so), but she clearly is very uncomfortable with the idea of her eating. This could be due to a couple of changes. She definitely was always thin and active, and maybe now that she isn’t moving around nearly as much she thinks that she shouldn’t eat as much. It could be because she is used to preparing everything for herself and now she feels uncomfortable to rely on others to make her meals. Or it could be because she recognizes that her life began to change when she was losing weight and visited the doctor and they tested her memory. I know that one of the first signs that she was changing was when she was forgetting to eat. Maybe she has leftover anxiety tied to food from this? I’m not sure.

I do know that she almost always says that she is not hungry and pretty much without fail tells you to not make her food. She will accept food if you give it to her, but it’s with varying levels of resistance. In the morning she is pretty happy to receive her cereal. I’ve only had one lunch with her so far since the past days Elsa was here, then her homecare helper, Judy, was around during lunch. Today at noon I asked her if she thought it was about lunch time and she said “Yeah, I guess so” and we all had lunch. It wasn’t a problem. It seems that dinner is the hardest to get her to eat. She’ll be going into the kitchen and munching on bread, or grabbing a pudding around dinner time so she is clearly hungry. But many times at dinner if you give her food she insists that she is full. When I gave her dinner last night she told me that I was “as bad as Sue and Elsa.” Haha. I guess so! ;)

A couple of nights I’ve actually cooked a semi-extensive dinner and I involved her in the process. She can still chop vegetables and crush peppercorns, so I have her do all those tasks. I’m going to suck at chopping veggies at the end of this stay because I don’t think I’ll have practice in 5 months! She does it well enough for what I care about and she’s just happy to help. I suspect that she is more open to eating the food if she had a hand in making it. Again, whether the negative reaction is simply a reaction to being taken care of or an acknowledgement of her memory loss, I’m not sure.

Otherwise, today we went to the food store together and she pushed the cart around as I grabbed stuff from my list. I forgot the handicap parking pass so we had to park a little bit away but she laughed it off with me. She told me about 10 times that she didn’t know where anything was in the store because she’s only been there 3 times since it opened. And that’s fine if that is what she thinks. I think she really enjoyed the trip out. Sol was off looking for jobs so I think she felt like she was doing me a favor by coming with me, which she was since I don’t mind the company. And honestly, if the task takes longer then my day seems fuller.

We also spent a long time washing the kitchen sink today. I think that she likes having us as company for, if anything, the accumulation of more dishes to wash. :)

Also, when I got here she was talking about how she liked the show Keeping Up With Appearances, a British comedy that airs on PBS once in a while. She mentioned several times that my Aunt Elena would call her to remind her when it was on; and I remember watching it with her and my mom when I used to live here. So I just went on Amazon and ordered the set of DVDs and it came last night. So we’ve watched 2 episodes and I think it’s overall positive. I mean, it’s funny and even Grammy thinks it’s funny, so we’re all good there.

Moving in with Grammy

I'm a little behind since we moved in last Friday night (and it is now Tuesday), but I was weary to start this blog because I wasn't sure if it would be worth it. I've already had enough thoughts and experiences that I definitely think it's worth sharing with close friends and family who are interested in Grammy's situation, my situation and (every once in a while) Sol's situation.

We arrived late on Friday night to Grammy's house. For those who don't know, my Aunt Sue lives next door and works at home so she is a constant resource. However, she cannot take full responsibility for my grandmother at this point because she is busy with her job and her own life and it's becoming more and more clear that my grandmother requires constant attention.

One of many smart things Grammy did was having 7 children (which expounded into, like, 16 grandchildren), so she has a large support system. Different family members have visited and spent time with Grammy to keep her life running smoothly and safely and to ease the burden on Sue. My Aunts, Elsa and Laura, have taken alternating weeks spending extended periods of their time with Grammy in her house in order to make sure she's ok. I volunteered to spend from now until June with Grammy because I am in a unique place in my life between things and with enough money saved to survive without a regular paying job.

Right now my plans are to live with Grammy until June, then work for the Green Mountain Club for one more summer, then in late August I will begin graduate school. I have enough saved that I don't need to be saving more money and, by living with Grammy, I have no cost for rent or food. Sol is living with us too and he is looking for a job. An income is more important for him because he has college loans to pay off. In June, he will also go to Vermont to work and later will join me wherever I end up for grad school.

I'm looking forward to spending my time exploring some hobbies. I plan to learn to cook a ton of new things. We're borrowing one of Elsa's crock pots, but I also hope to get a bread maker and a rice cooker. I hope to compile scrapbooks and photo albums with Grammy's help in order to keep us both busy and have mementos for the rest of the family. Meanwhile, I get to watch a lot of daytime tv, clean a house, play with cats and meet up with friends who are around.

Ok-- back to the night we arrived. It was about 10pm and Elsa was staying at Grammy's. We ended up sleeping at Sue's just for the sake of not making a lot of noise upstairs where Grammy was asleep and Sue gave me one of the books that Elsa lent her about Alzheimer's disease. I read part of a pamphlet put together by the Athletic Director for the Arkansas Razorbacks. His wife had Alzheimer's and he became her primary caretaker. He compiled a booklet after years of research and caretaking that offers good advice and forewarns what changes to expect in the person with Alzheimer's and why it is happening. According to the book, Grammy is clearly in stage 2. Stage 2 isn't quite as scary as it sounds. It can last from 2-10 years and it's a time that someone goes from essentially being forgetful enough to not have their old active lifestyle, to bad enough that they cannot wash or dress themselves.

One of the parts that stood out to me the most had to do with how a person's vision changes. It can make it so that the person cannot interpret the colors that they see in a normal way. It gave several examples that are basically associated with a recognition of color and not being able to recognize what it is representing. For example, a light colored wallpaper with dark lines on it may cause hallucinations since the person isn't able to tell that the lines are attached to the wallpaper. Or someone has a dinner of chicken breast, mashed potatoes and green beans on a white plate, but is only eating the green beans. It's because they cannot distinguish the light colored foods from the plate and they cannot tell that they are there. Or if you have a dark colored floor mat in front of the bathroom door, the person may be hanging around the hallways, fidgeting with their clothes, clearly wanting to go to the bathroom but they cannot enter the room because all they see is a dark gaping hole in front of the door. You can take their hands and walk them over the rug and it will be fine, but on their own they just see a gap.

Grammy isn't there yet at all, thank goodness. But she does show several other symptoms of the second stage. She has a hard time recognizing her own clothes and will sometimes think that things are missing. I haven't witnessed this really yet, but I've heard it is happening. Thankfully, she can still dress herself fine.

She isn't able to conduct multi-step tasks. This is why she can't make tea for herself, or deal with the tv. Sol noticed that you can tell her to pick up the remote and she will feel around on her table rather than reach straight for the remote. I think it's because she doesn't initially connect the word "remote" with the object. Then you can tell her to press a certain button to turn up or down the volume, but she will have a hard time deciphering which one. However, she would be able to do it, if you are very specific and break down every step and wait until she completes the one step before you tell her the next.

She washes dishes, but she usually just manages to rinse the dishes under the water and rub it down with her fingers. If you are there, you can put the soapy sponge in her hands and she will use it. But she does not recognize that the dish drainer isn't a dish itself and she will wash it and put it "away" if she can. One scary moment on the first day that I was here involved dish washing. I heard her in the kitchen at the sink and I went to check on how she was doing. She had found the Comet under the sink and had been sprinkling it on the dishes, putting them under water and wiping them with her fingers. I told her that it isn't good to have it on her bare fingers and that she should wash her hands. She did that and let me finish washing the dishes. It's really important to not get angry or stressed out with the person because it will upset them (and really, the thing you want most is to keep them safe and to not upset them--in that order).

The thing is that it's better to go along with whatever story they are telling you, rather than correcting them, unless it's absolutely necessary. The more that mistakes and gaps in understanding or memory are pointed out, the more anxious they get about their own condition. Grammy knows that her mind is going and she acknowledges that it has changed the things that she does and is ok with many of the changes. She just forgets that she's ok with the changes.

One last example of how I am approaching living with her is say she wants a cup of tea. She won't ask for tea, but she might allude to tea, drinking something, or being cold in general. Then I ask her, "Do you want some tea?" and she says "Yes," and shakes her head and adds "but, oh, you don't have to get it!" She tends to get defensive when I insist that she let me do something for her, so once I let her get up and go to the kitchen. After about 30 seconds, I went into the kitchen and she was there looking at the coffee maker and the tea kettle. I said "Do you want some tea? I'll make some anyway for myself" and then she said, very graciously, "Oh, yes that would be nice. Thanks." Things don't always go so smoothly, but it seems like, as long as I have the time (which I do), if I just let her feel like she's going to do something for herself and then help her get it done, she feels better overall about the situation.