This morning was pretty normal, fairly fine even. She was very receptive when I made her tea and breakfast. Then I reminded her that her home care worker, Judy, was coming today. She became visibly uptight and there was strong negative energy coming from her. This isn't completely out of the ordinary either, but it was worse than normal. One of her usual harpings is about how she doesn't want the home care worker to come. Judy is a very nice woman and she treats Grammy really well, but for Grammy it feels like a social engagement where she has to be entertaining this woman who she doesn't really know that well. It's especially hard to do since their relationship started well after she was losing her memory.
Usually when Judy is here (Mon and Tues for 3 hours) I run errands and go out to lunch with Sol. Today we were out for the whole time and got back just before Judy left. After Judy left Grammy started complaining again about how she doesn't want her to be around. She always feels guilty for saying it, but she sure does say it quite often. More times than not, however, she manages to rationalize her way through the issue. She says that her kids set up the appointments without asking her and that they tell her that Judy needs to keep on coming (with the implication that she disagrees with her kids). Then she moves on to how if I'm around or if Elsa, Laura or Sue are around then she doesn't see why Judy needs to come. Then she ends by saying that she understands that there probably will be a time in the future when she needs someone around even more than she does now, and I won't be around anymore, and Judy's company will be really important (and necessary).
It's impressive that she can draw this conclusion, because oftentimes the things that upset her just cause her confusion. She relaxed for a little bit after Judy left but then she slipped out saying she wanted to feel how warm it was outside and went to Sue's. Next thing I know Sol is saying "You're grandmother is walking down the street" as he looked through the window. I normally am very uptight about her walking down the street alone, but this time I decided to let it go since she was mentioning how she will walk down the street to the end and back when she needs fresh air to curb her anxiety attacks. I kept my eye on her and went to Sue's to check to see if she took a pill and if this was normal.
Sue said that she hadn't given Grammy a pill because Grammy didn't ask. She also said that there was one time that her and Justin saw Grammy walking down the street, and long story short, she got home fine.
Grammy and I walked back into her house at the same time after this. I nonchalantly asked her if she wanted to take one of her pills to see if it helps her feel better, and she did. Then about 10 minutes later she said that she was going back to Sue's because she wasn't feeling well. Sue texted me within 5 minutes to ask if I had given Grammy a pill. I told her yeah, she just took it. Apparently Grammy had forgotten that she took it and was asking for one. When Sue tried to remind her that she had just taken one at her house, she looked at Sue "like she had 10 heads."
Meanwhile, I figured Grammy would come back within 5 minutes or so, like usual. After half an hour I went back to Sue's to check on what was going on. I found Grammy washing the dishes and Sue working in her office. Grammy was visibly more upset than usual and she began explaining how she felt really bad and wanted to go to a doctor to ask them why this is happening to her. She was going on about how she never had these problems before, but they've started happening in the past year. She said that normally just comes to Sue's and will clean up some, or sit in her office and be quiet and not bother her. I asked her if she felt more calm in Sue's house than her own and she said yes but she doesn't know why exactly.
She kept on saying that she wanted to go to a doctor and to tell them what she's feeling and to find out if there is something they could do for her. But she couldn't get more specific about what exactly she would tell them or want to know from them. Mainly it was just that she was having an anxiety attack, it wasn't going away and she didn't feel normal.
Of course, normal is being redefined as she continues to progress through Alzheimer's. In reality, it turns out that this isn't so abnormal. I didn't know at the time, but later found out that she had a very similar attack yesterday and said a lot of the same stuff to Sue. It was slightly comforting to know that this attack wasn't abnormally bad. It's at the bad end of what we've witnessed as bad.
I left her there for about 20 more minutes as Sol and I went for a run and then came back and we both went back to her house. We sat, had tea, watched some Keeping Up Appearances and she slowly felt much better. Sue had to go to get a tire fixed, Grammy had asked to go with her but Sue told her it was probably a bad idea because it would take a long time and involve sitting in a stuffy tire shop. Grammy clearly just wanted to go out of a fear of not being near Sue and of having to go back into her house. When we were back in the house, not 15 minutes later, Grammy had forgotten that Sue was leaving for the errand. I had to remind her and you could tell that she got concerned that Sue would be gone. I assured her that I would be around all night even while Sue was gone and you could see something click in her head and she became much more settled.
Herein lies the inherent contradiction of behavior that makes it so difficult to come to a rational understanding of why she feels the way she does. Normally she does not want to leave her house, ever. In this case, she can't stand to stay in her house "just sitting, watching tv or staring at the wall." Normally she's always freeeeeezzing. She can never get warm enough. In this case she just wanted to go outside and walk around in the cold air and to feel physically cold and refreshed. I understand how it would clear your mind and calm you down to feel the cold air. I don't know what the problem is with the house...of course it could be part of her memory loss and feeling alien in her own home, or it could be the added influence of having me and Sol around with our stuff.
After a cup of tea we went for one more walk down the street and by the time we got back and had the dinner that Sol was cooking for us, she was back to normal and feeling a lot better. She recognized that she felt better and acknowledged it. She complimented Sol on his cooking and she thanked me for helping her and being around as I helped her get ready for bed.
I know I can't take any of it personally, and for the most part I don't. There are times when I'm clearly either not enough to keep her feeling safe and secure, and there are times when I might even be stressing her out a little just by being around. However, there are many more times when she makes it clear that she is happy that I am there because the last thing she wants is to be alone. And I think she like me.
Sue and I were discussing whether it might be time to tell her that she has Alzheimer's. She has said many times that she just wishes her doctors would tell her what is going on, but it's hard to tell what she means by that. If the doctor did tell her would it... make her more upset? would she just forget it immediately? would it help her rationalize why she's having these changes?
So glad your are there Em. When is her next doctor's appt? Perhaps someone should explain to the doc how today went and ask advice. How many mg are her anxiety pills? Perhaps she needs an increase. Maybe she should take them regularly to prevent the attacks rather than waiting for an attack. Perhaps Billy can advise.
ReplyDeleteShe has an appt on the 16th. I am taking her and plan on asking him her questions while she listens. She doesn't feel that Judy is family and that's why she would rather her not be there. Also she sometimes can't figure how her relationship to Emily. She seems to know she is someone's daughter and when I say, Joanne's, she'll say, that's right. As for as the pills, I told Em she could give them 3x's/day. When I am there, I give her only the 2 unless she tells me she is having that feeling. They make her so tired and lifeless.
ReplyDeleteAS Else & Jo know, I called the house Sunday afternoon, no answer. A while later Sue called and asked if I would talk to mom/Gram awhile because she had an errand. So talked to mom for quite awhile - she mentioned a few times that: she thought she should go to the doc, she was feeling nervous and lonely; just wants someone to talk to; going out in to the cold air for a little walk helps her feel better; that she's been tempted to knock on Mary Cheirny's (sp?) door to talk to her. I mentioned that Judy would be coming Mon afternoon - she seemed positive about it. She mentioned that Sue had taken her somewhere the day before - some store, but she couldn't remember...I asked her if a bra was involved, she said no, but later said yes. She repeated that her bra has been uncomfortable and that perhaps she's just not hooking it up correctly in the back; she sort of suggested that maybe someone could check; but she didn't want to be taking off her clothes (said with a giggle). I don't know about the 'Alzeimher's' word; maybe a reminder that her mom got very forgetful. Of course it's the nervous, being alone part that seems to bother her. When I talked to her later Sunday Sue was over, and Em & Sol were about to be and she seemed calmer.
ReplyDeleteThank you all!