Grammy is obsessed when she is having a bad attack with going to a pharmacist and talking to someone to ask what she can do better to make her feel better.
Sometimes she feels totally by herself even when some one is around. Laura was here today, but when Sol and I got home Grammy was walking around outside to get fresh air during an attack and made it sound like she didn't realize that someone was home. I've been here before when she's felt like she's totally alone and gone to look for Sue instead.
She said today that when she's totally alone she is afraid of what she will do when no one is around to help her if she's feeling really badly. She's wondering if she will call the police or knock on her friend Mary's door. She's been trying to do some self healing by going out in the cold air for a walk and soaking herself in cold water.
She finds a lot of comfort in Sue being around. I think that is because she knows that Sue LIVES next door, so she can always count on her being around. The rest of us come and go.
I wanted to take a moment to say that I've been writing this blog for two reasons: 1. To act as a diary and diffuse any stress I may be feeling while living with Grammy, and 2. To hopefully help us all (family and friends) talk about what's going on with Grammy.
What I didn't anticipate is how much overflowing support I've received. It makes all the difference to know that people are reading, that people care and that people appreciate knowing about Grammy. It is so amazing what Sue, Laura and Elsa were doing before I got here. They've watched Grammy deteriorate slowly, over a long time, and have spent a lot of their own time living with her. I've barely touched the surface in terms of time and commitment and I'm just happy to be able to contribute. Plus I'm definitely benefitting from having free rent, free food and a purpose. To everyone else in the family, I don't mean to exclude your contributions. Everyone has had a positive contribution who has either directly spent time with Grammy or has supported those of us who have spent extended periods with her. As long as everyone in the family is happy and healthy, Grammy can have her mind at ease.
One hilarious incident was our whole scene cooking tonight. I tried a new recipe that involved cooking sirloins. It called for a grill, so I looked up how to do it in the oven and it said to broil them. Then Laura had bought some fresh beets and said we just had to cut them, wash them, and boil them. I don't want to get into the hairy details, but just be sure that the smoke alarm was going off for the last 15 minutes...and Grammy and I both ended up with our fingers and lips beet red. The dinner turned out okay...nothing burned. It was a comedy of errors and we had some good laughs.
Tonight I was also witness to an extended conversation between Sue, Laura and Grammy about Sue and Grammy moving down to Delaware. I'd say that Grammy was doing pretty well with it all. It sounds like she'd be willing to consider the move with the rationale that it will let her be close to family who can take care of her. Of course, her mood will change depending on the day, but it's a look upward.
Grammy quotes:
"It's different if you are pregnant and you want to have a baby soooo soooo bad that you have to do that."-- Grammy talking about eating at a buffet, within a conversation about moving with Sue and Laura. I have to admit, I walked in late so I have noooooo idea.
"If I can have nuts and chocolates, then why can't I have a little [pill]" -- Grammy when she was feeling anxious and the attack wasn't going away even after taking an afternoon pill. She was wondering why she couldn't take another pill in the afternoon after we offered her some snacks.
"My problem is my knees! I couldn't get up and chase men...after you, if they were chasing you."--She just said this as she was standing up to get dessert, she laughed and looked at me and made a motioning pretending to run. HAHA!
"I want to die in Vermont"-- Grammy told me this when Sue and Laura had left the room a while after their conversation about moving to Delware. I asked her who she would live with in Vermont and she said that she'd live at home. Then I asked what is home and she said that, right, she didn't know. Not in a way like she lost her memory of it, but more as an admission that she doesn't have a 'home' there.
That pregnant conversation was so funny, but it's even more hilarious hearing it from your perspective. I have no idea what made her train of thought go to having babies and eating at buffets! Pass the tissues please!
ReplyDeleteEmily, Your blog is wonderful. I'm enjoying reading it so much and smiling at your descriptions and your lovely attitude. You are awesome. It does bring back some memories of the two years that my mother lived here with me. She was just old (95) and only had a little dementia, but some of her ideas and worries were similar. You are doing a wonderful service for your Grammy and family.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is thanks... I've heard much of it before - that she wants to go to Barre and be near where she'll be buried. That she likes her house and doesn't want to leave. I don't understand the attacks really, but I can feel her pain, and have had her say that she wants to go to the drugstore or the doctor (at first I thought that she thought (!) that she needed to pick up a prescription)
ReplyDeleteThe quotes are terrific
Not sure if i mentioned a visit I had with her awhile back when she said she needed to go to the grocery store for Nutella - she opened her jar and was worried that there was very little in it (looked like plenty to me, but I don't eat it!) Kept saying she needed to get some.
I'm not sure why Gram is included in talk about "moving". She is stressed enough. If it happens, it happens. Yes she wants to go back to Barre. That is her "home" and final resting place. I wish she could go. I've had that conversation with her. After explaining she would need someone to live with her, she realizes it won't work. We've even discussed "other" living arrangements, but I can't see her happy in a room that she would need to use an elevator to get to and not having her own yard to walk around in. It should be interesting next week when I am there. She seems to vent about things said or done.
ReplyDeleteYup, she vents on the phone too.
ReplyDeleteMeant to tell Em about Gram's stove/oven - I remember years ago that she had someone look at a problem with it - the broiler? I think whatever it was ended up working, and the 'fixer' told her that it was a fine stove that would be very expensive to replace with an equivalent.